Sadden...

When i was chewing my notes with my dinner...my parents called
i thought they wanna brag my studies again but not this time
they gave me a news that silenced me for quite a moment
grandma had just passed away...

even this moment...i dunno what i wanted to do or say
the only thing i can think about that she is gone forever...
i never can see her blissful smile that bring peace to my heart
i never can hold her hands and rub against hers
i never can take her to restaurants to have dinner with her
i never can chat with her although we suffer from some age gap
i never can caress her wrinkled face and give her a goodbye kiss
I never can hear she scolds me because i am naughty
thats too many to speak off but these are my memories
the most frustrated things i felt now is that because of my study
I CANT EVEN SEE HER LAST SMILE IN LIFE!!!
i hate myself for being so powerless and therefore i am speechless
today i will have test and quiz but i don't even can concentrate
i know she wouldn't want me become like that but i just CANT HELP IT
I hate myself that i cannot spend more time with her
because i had to move on in my studies and career with some distance

I din't come out with tears when i receive the news but when i typed this
my tears just kept circulating my eyeballs...i am blurred but still
i don't wanna let my tears out...i wanna tell her that i am strong~
i wanted to tell her that i wont cry because i don't want her worries
my heart is crumbling and my mind is falling apart but i know that
she is strong as a woman who brought up 10 kids with her own determination
i don't wanna fail her expectation on me that i will be as strong as she is

she is a sincere believer of Buddhism and i hope that she is relieved
when Buddha had came upon her to summon her to the World of Joyfulness
i thank god that gave my grandma a painless and blissful death
she was 90+ so we expect that moment to come but still it hurts when occur
she is a fierce Buddhist who would knock her head on the floor over 100 hit
just to blessed us with her chantings in front of the statue...
she is the greatest grandma that i had ever known...i loved her
Thanks for your kindness which i am being flooded with
Thanks for giving me a knowledge of love that i inherited from you
Thanks for passing down ur blissful smile to me...i will do great with it
and i will smile at you to assure that you lived continuously in my heart
If u can...pls visit me in my dreams to tell me u are happy now
I hope she is being great in another world with my grandpa
or even another live~~
That's my last wish for her.....Amitabah~~